What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
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