The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
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