One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
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