Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns×¥
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
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