Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
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