Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
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