The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
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