Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
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