My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
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