My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.