My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
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