A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
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