What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Go to BabaMail
