I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
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