My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
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