Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
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