What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
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