What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
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