I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
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