Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
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