My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Go to BabaMail
