The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
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