Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
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