A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
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