What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
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