Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
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