What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
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