What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
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