Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Go to BabaMail
