I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Go to BabaMail
