My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
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