What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
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