My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
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