What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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