I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
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