I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
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