My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
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