Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
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