Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
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