My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
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