As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
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