It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
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