I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Go to BabaMail
