What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
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