I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
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