What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
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