A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
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