What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
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