In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
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