A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
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