The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
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