Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
That boy narrated his-story really well.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
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