My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
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