How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
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