I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
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