I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
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