What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
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