Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
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