My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
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