One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
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