My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
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