Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
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