What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
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