Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
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