My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
The sun is just a big space heater.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
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