Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
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