How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
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