How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
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