I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
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