I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Go to BabaMail
