Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
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